A couple of days ago, I started feeling more than flutters... a couple of swift kicks to the cervix and some interesting pokes in the ribs.

I have finally come to my breaking point with Devin. I told him Monday night that there is no halfway. We had had a conversation when I told him I was pregnant that he was either in or he was out and if he was in, there was no bailing at 6 months. He was angry that I would suggest he would bail. And I said "As long as we're clear on this" and he agreed. Instead now, he has bailed and wants things on his terms and I've said no. I do not want him just at doctor's appointments and ultrasounds and the like. He can't just flit in and out of my life on his whim.

I told him to figure it out. I can't emotionally do halfway. All or nothing. And since he is not capable of all, it has to be nothing. I said when you figure it out, call me. If it takes til next year or next week or whatever, I'll wait for the answer but until that point, it has to be nothing.

I feel a weight lifted. I've been seeing a counsellor and I've joined Al-anon.. which he is pissed off about. Its actually quite amusing.
He was angry because I found out where the Trailer Park Trash(tm) lives and said I was "contacting" people for him. When I said I was going to Al-anon, he asked why, and I said "Because you're an alcoholic." So he said I was doing it again. And I said "Doing what?" "You're doing it again!" and I said "DOING WHAT?!?" He said "Contacting people for me". I started laughing and said "Al-anon is for ME" and he said "You're not an alcoholic." Which made me laugh even more and I said "Al-anon is for friends and family of alcoholics you dumbass."

As we said bye, I said "Take care of you" in the midst of tears and he replied with "you too" and I am pretty sure he was crying as well.

It would take an acrobat, and I've already done all that.

I haven't had anything and I mean anything nice to post.

Devin is spiralling downwards and I hope he hits rock bottom before long. I can't figure out if he is trying to run away or what is going on. This new girl has made it worse and worse and worse despite her being "understanding".

I left him a letter that basically told him that I had 3 expectations of him and that if he chose not to follow through with them, there were consequences and the most important one was sobriety.

He has been gone since yesterday and I doubt he'll come back any time soon. He said he as going to visit a friend out of town, but with all the lies, I don't believe him.

Anyways, I have nothing new to report other than my bladder infection is NOT gone so Im back on the antibiotics..again.

"Its been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do..." Staind