I was reading thru the archives of this lovely drivel that I have been spewing for coming up to two years in August and I'm stunned.

In all of the fights and arguements that Devin and I have had over the past two months, I lost sight of the person I once knew. I forgot about the kitchen dance, I forgot about sitting around on the couch and just talking, I forgot about the moments he took me by surprise and said flattering/complimentary things. I even forgot about "Honey, where's my super suit?!".

Presleigh was conceived in love and he has reduced it to "If I can't see her on my terms, I won't see her at all." and I tried to remember a time since he and I had met that that person existed. The person I met and loved and spent nearly 18 months waiting to hear from, waiting in the sidelines for... has ceased to exist.

There was a post back there somewhere when he got laid off and he was driving back from Crossfield (I think) and talking to me on his cell and telling me that I should marry him... another time when he kissed me so hard and told me that I was going to force him to ask me something he wasn't ready to do... and I realize now that perhaps I fooled myself for so long. I posted many times that I was done, that I couldn't take the behaviour anymore... and I kept going back.

This is complicated... I miss that person. I don't miss the relationship. Perhaps let me clarify this a little better. I guess that it would be easiest to mourn him as if he had passed away because I will never have that friend back. I have tried, so many times and so hard, to have that friend back. But in thinking about it, I realize that it would be a detrimental for me to have his friendship. Friends don't treat friends in the way he has treated me. I made observations that his past relationships had always been abusive but I realize now that he was the abuser perhaps as much as they were. Co dependant relationships and perhaps that is what I took from him as well.

As much as I have absolutely no respect for Trailer Trash or her children, I hope that she comes to her senses and sees him for who he is. I hope she sits and thinks about what he has done to me and wonder what kind of man would hit a pregnant woman with a door or pull a knife on her, what kind of man would desert his child, that he has wanted more than anything... what kind of man would treat someone that he said I love you to, in the way he has treated me. Before she gets in too far and her children get hurt, she gets hurt...

I've always wanted someone that was as strong as I was personality wise. Able to stand up to me and to talk with me and have debates with and to connect on all levels and I was certain it was there, but I guess that because I saw that much, I put blinders on to the rest.

I wished with everything that I knew how to wish with that things would have been different. It was supposed to be different. I can't change who he is and I have long since accepted that...however, I have the power to not put myself there and to not put Presleigh there.

My father called Devin last night. According to Dad's recount of the conversation, he told Devin to step up to the plate and be a dad. He reminded Devin of the conversation they had had in October about how important it was to Devin that Dad be out here when baby was born and how much he had wanted a daughter and here she was, so smarten up. He also told Dad that he had gotten engaged last month (which I knew) and Dad asked him how long he'd known her. Devin told him and Dad said "Hmm seems to be some overlap there boy. What happened with my daughter?" And Devin apparently maligned me and Dad interupted him and said "Well she was good enough to have a child with wasn't she?" and he was met with silence.
Devin kept harping on how he wanted to have his daughter for weekends at his house and Dad said "How on earth can you care for a 2 month old baby in your condition?" Devin asked what condition that was and Dad told him 'intoxicated" which Devin vehemently denied. He got arrogant and egotistical with Dad so Dad ended the call.

I think that the conversation I had with my dad is the best conversation I have had with him in years. I am truly grateful for his support.

I have apologised repetitively to Presleigh for the challenges she is going to have to face just being preemie, but I have especially apologised for the hell she will have to endure with a drunk as a father.

So now that I have spent far too much time on the computer today, I'm gonna go grab 40 winks because little miss Presleigh will be up soon.

This may become long winded, I apologise in advance. :-)

We've been home now for 3 weeks and its been fantastic. She started having a few nights here and there sleeping straight through - last night being one of them (and I must say I was exhausted and therefore grateful).

We had a rough week last week with appointments. On Tuesday we had an eye appointment to double check that there was no damage to her retina from the O2. Retinopathy in preemies is common so it was just followup to make sure all was still good. It was... til the eye doctor scratched her cornea and we ended up spending Tuesday night at Children's hospital. I left home at 2230 and got home at 0605 the next morning....*grumble* only to have to be back at Children's for a followup RSV immunization shot. Between being awake all night and having to be awake to drive, I was pretty miserable by the time Wednesday night rolled around.

While we were out on Tuesday, I delivered Devin's birthday present. Part of the Parenting After Separation course I had to take last fall for my divorce, was to celebrate special occasions for your ex on behalf of your children... so I was doing so. Even though we had had a screaming fight the night before... even though I felt he didn't deserve it... I did it. Which he is now using against me *sigh*

Then Thursday we had an appointment for an MRI... they decided she was too small and refused to put her under anestetic while we had already fasted and were prepared for it and sitting in the waiting room of the MRI department.... so off we went to the pediatrician to get him to order a head ultrasound.

She's up to 6 1/2 lbs now and changing so much every day. And up to 4 oz of formula every 4 hours.

Its amazing how much little miss Presleigh has become more and more a little person in her behaviours and not just a baby. She looks alot like Devin, but thankfully she has my nose. She has alot of his behaviours too... she hates being disturbed when she's sleeping and loathes having her feet tickled.

We're 8 weeks old on Wednesday... and officially two months on Saturday woooohoooooo.

And I'm fairly confident that he has found this blog with the invention of the internet at his house, so again, I will be limiting what I say about anything in the legal department.

I'll update more soon!

We're home, we're home, we're home!

Due to an outbreak of RSV in the Special Care Nursery, and we were healthy, we were discharged several days earlier than anticipated.

We're doing great, adjusting to being at home and I'm even sane...

My family and friends had a surpise shower for us today and we got spoiled ROTTEN.

We've got a bazillion appointments going on over the next few weeks for followups, but we're doing fantastic.

I'm off to play with more Ivory Snow and bottle brushes....