I have had a crazy week... I applied for X-Team at work which will mean a pay raise and some challenge to my brain. I have an interview Tuesday morning.. it will be 2 1/4 hours of behavioural questions. I think I have done quite a bit of preparedness. I have written alot of examples of things that have occurred where I have done the right or wrong thing.

We had a tailgate party for the Stamps game yesterday. I think I had a bit much to drink as did several people. Devin and his brother Dean came with me. That was a mistake I think. Dev has seasons tickets so they didn't sit with us in the stands, however by the time halftime came along, I was soaked to the skin as it was pouring most of the game. I was about to actually leave and go home when I ran into Dean outside and he asked me to join them. As I was sitting with Dev, he grabbed my hand and kept looking at me and winking and kissed me a couple of times... and kept telling me he really really liked me... *sigh* Figure it out man, figure it out. I feel like I'm in highschool. He drove me to my car afterwards and kept looking at me.. Dean in the backseat pipes up with some smart assed comment about us... Don't know what to do, however, I will leave the flower alone I guess...

Deanna, their sister, is due today. She's having a boy. She has had a very rough pregnancy and a miracle one at that. She only has 15% of her cervix and was never supposed to be able to maintain a pregnancy. At 18 weeks they stitched her closed and took the stiches out on Aug 8th, and she's still holding... the phone hasn't rung yet for me to go dashing to the hospital. She also has gestational diabetes, and has had a very very difficult time keeping her blood sugar normal. I suspect they will induce her sometime this week if she doesn't go on her own. So expect Daniel pictures soon.
Not sure what I am going to do as a baby gift, as she is financially in need of alot of things, but I'm the type that waits to see what everyone else got them and then fill the voids. So we shall see.

How's this for complicated... my step-sister is Adena -- we call her Dean... Dean is Dev's brother.. and Deanna is said Dina/Dena.. so I can't call anyone but by their rightful name.. At least Dev wants to deviate from the D names with Clayton James.

Rachel starts back to school next week... holy %$$#$%. She's going to be in junior high next year. Teenagers! EEEEK. I think I might move out ;-)

Roit, 8am comes soon.. keep tabs here on my interview. Wish me luck.

Let's see how badly we can start out today... first, lets be 30 mins late for work... second, let us figure out that we're not going to be able to pay _any_ of the due bills...I want a new life. Really. Someone told me once they had them at Walmart, but I refuse to buy anything that important at a company that actively practises sexual discrimination. Welcome to my vicious circle.

Anyways... sweating to death, going to go sweat somewhere else...

Just when I thought that I was quite OK, Devin phones last night... twice. He'd had far too much to drink, and I'm still not quite sure why he called. Then he insisted I call his sister (who is _very_ pregnant and very due) as she misses me. The second call was to tell me to call her as she was still up and outside... so I did.. we discussed the beating of a person who had done something to a local Hell's Angel or a girlfriend of one or something.... the police were there.. I miss all the excitment living on this side of town...

This morning, the Teamsters are on strike where Colin works. So in support of him, we gathered up all of our change (nickels, dimes pennies) and off we went to Calgary Co-Op and spent over an hour fueling up our cars a few cents/litres at a time.. several times. Then went into the store itself and bought one item at a time and paid for it in change... they immediately stuck up signs that stated minimum 3 items at a time. So we clogged their express check-outs... was great fun and completely legal. There were about 30 of us. All the food that we bought in the store we donated to the food bank.

Saturday afternoon, I'm sunburnt and sitting here when its over 30 degrees... damn, time to go out and get lobstered...

I was asked today what was a blog... I tried explaing simply as an online journal slash blathering slash musings slash entertainment for the masses slash whatever you decide once you read my blog....
Then I was laughed at... see, those masses don't blog, they have no idea..

I've been on the internet since late 1995 when it was still a BBS with flip sock and an archiac version of netscape as your source to the outside world, unless of course you were an A$$holes OnLine member and still are, and that isn't the 'net at all... however..I digress... Blogging in some form or another has been around since then.. newsgroups, forums, etc.. just someone came up with a better catchier L33T name for it.

Its kinda like snarf... everyone has done it, but no one knows what it was called til we gave it a name... snarf is when you laugh with your mouth full of liquid and it comes shooting out of your nose, mouth etc and you then proceed to choke. Snarfing Coke or any carbonated bevvie is dangerous, hot coffee as well... milk is just plain rude.. And Huggle.. thats kinda like the hug your grandma used to give you when she would hug you tight and turn you side to side/wiggle you at the same time... a huggle... canoodle.. thats like a noogie with a hug..at least thats how I see it..

I tend to greet people online with animal sounds.. Moo... Ribbit.. I'm not sure exactly how that started, I do blame it on Mudding on the Disc ( http://discworld.imaginary.com ) where you can moo from half way up a tree at someone in greeting. I also tend to boggle alot which isn't usually a term someone uses unless they are "boggled by something" rather than an action "You boggle at so&so." .. imagine shaking your head like a cartoon in confusion..

Today we had the Dirty Bird Wash Party at work. Nothing more cool than being able to go into the hangar and wash an airplane with a hose. It was supposed to be from 1800-2100... I worked til 2000 and it was over when we got there, but Rachel got to see the inside of the engine and the pits which was something she hadn't seen before...

Anyways, I lost my point somewhere in all of this.. should probably call it a night since its nearly 2 and I have to be up at 830.

I wrote this awhile ago, so I'm publishing this now cause things seem to be getting worse....

Let's go back in time shall we?
It's the early part of summer 1981.. I'm about to turn 11, and the new station wagon has been driven down the hill to the house close to the hose and I have a bucket and soap and the hose to wash the shiny green car. In my bathing suit with cold cold cold well water shooting from the hose spraying down the car and I have a sponge. I can't quite see over the roof, and spray the cold water on it by standing a ways back so I can see the top to make sure it all gets wet. In the next instant, my father is standing in front of me, wet, and grabs my arms hard. So hard that even before he yells there are tears welling up in my eyes and stinging... there will be bruises, I think, but don't move so it doesn't hurt more...a trick learnt from previous times. "You stupid idiot, what the fuck are you doing?" is hissed at me as the thumbs burn into myupper arm. "I'm washing the car and I'm not stupid!" I defiantly reply. "I have forgotten more than you will ever learn, watch where the hell you are spraying and wait until I am finished on the other side before you start again." was spat at me.
"I have forgotten more than you will ever learn."... a phrase I heard plenty of times over the coming years....and worse.
Aug 14, 1984... the date forever ingrained in my head. My father was away in Toronto on a business trip, part of his life he especially loathed, and my sister was away at her friend's cottage for 2 weeks.Mom and I alone in the house and the lightning storm to beat all storms happens. The events of the day with mom and I are ones I will never forget, however it is the following days that are the ones that are imperative to this recollection... The drive from Toronto to our house was 4 hours at the best of times, upwards of 5 if the traffic was heavy as the highways were not divided and passing was often a matter of one car at a time in a traffic line of 30 cars on a highway not designed for the holidaying folks. My father made it in just over 3 hrs. His precious toys had been damaged or destroyed in the fire and the lightning strikes. There was no concern for us that had been left inside of a large house-shaped magnet. The alcohol flowed, the anger raged and the abuse unfathomable as nothing you could say or do was ever right. Not long after all of this, he was diagnosed as manic depressive. Having a diagnosis is often a relief to know what is wrong,but it became his excuse. "I can't help it, I have a chemical imbalance." was his joie de vive, his reason for being who he was. The abuse became more raged as he was on medication for only when he had"episodes" or could feel the mania begin. Then he was on daily which helped for a while and finding the right dosage was a challenge when someone doesn't really wish to be helped.....Family counselling... the results lasting a week... the scars a lifetime.
Sometime winter 1983... My sister and I are in Brownies and Girl Guides respectively... Mom was away somewhere and our meetings were on the same night, just in different school gyms. I was making supper before going,and was making sausages and he walked into the kitchen and poured anentire bottle of beer into the sausages and walked away. I was 13 and Dee was 9. My leader's husband was a police officer and the brownie leader was a family friend. We were safe there. My father had driven to the next town for the two hours and was visiting and drinking and forgot aboutus. We didn't know where he had gone but he was unreachable even if we had known. It was 1030 on a school night and we were sitting on the living room floor crying because we knew we shouldn't be imposing on my leader's family and we didn't want to be in trouble for being up so late and because we had no way home. He showed up at midnight drunk and nearly killed us on the way home weaving in and out of the ditches. Itwas a bad night, but a typical one.
Mid summer 1985 - I met my sister Valerie for the first time and I met my real father face to face. He denied, lied and hid from every angle of the truth but I satisfied the one thing I set out to do that afternoon. Find out where the dark hair came from. To find out only that. Valerie and I could be twins. We dressed the same and had our hair the same and despite the 9 yr age difference, we were spitting images. There was not much to deny when the daughter you know is standing beside her mirror. Rejected but content with the knowledge Ihad sought to gain. He died the following year from a massive coronary. What goes around comes around....
Nov 1, 1985... the alcohol flowing as fast as it could be distilled. The night before, when mom was out of town on a business trip, I took Dee trick-or-treating in town. The town we lived in had a population of a couple of hundred and houses in the actual townsite were on basically 4 streets. My father had chosen to stay at a family friend's housewhile we went out trick-or-treating and then would drive us home when were turned there as had been tradition for years. We arrived back and when walking, both Dee and I expressed that it was going to be a baddrive home as we knew he was going to be drinking. We were right, andhe nearly killed us twice on the way home and it is a wonder we did not have a tree as a hood ornament.The following morning, Dee and I got ourselves ready for school and made our lunches and they were sitting on the counter by the door. Hungover, he came down the stairs into the kitchen and before you could say boo, the accusations and craziness began. I was accused of lying about something and I denied that I was lying. I wasn't lying but I couldn't prove it. In an attempt to get my stuff together and get out of the door before it escalated, I was followed into the living room and thrown against the wall with his fist under my chin and berrated and pressed into the objects that hung on the wall that cut my back. No matter what I said, I was lying in his eyes. I don't know why he let go or what I said that made that happen, but he did. I grabbed my things and ran out the front door to walk (or run) to the school bus, slamming the door on the way out. 10 steps out the door and I realized I had left my lunch on the counter and ran back to get it and he was standing there and swore at me and berrated me for being stupid and told me that if I slammed the door again, I would regret it. Angrily I slammed the door so hard that it bounced open again and he chased me outside. Pushing me down onto the rocks in the front path, and standing over me with his foot on my stomach ready to slam it down. He slapped me a couple of times in the face and then left me be. I got to school somehow and managed to find my favourite guidance counsellor instantly and we called the police. I wanted him charged. Child services stepped in and removed me from the house. Dee was safe. He never touched her, never got angry at her, never abused her in anyway. Despite being terrified of him, I knew she was safe. I spent the weekend in the custody of a very good friend's parents and soon their home became my home away from the hell. Karen's family may never know what their kindness and their rescue meant but I survived that weekend because of them in spite of my father.
Nov 1992... I am pregnant with Rachel and I am tired of fighting with my father. Exhausted. I write him a letter and tell him as much and more. I explain that I am tired of being angry because of him. I am about to embark on a new life with Rachel and Scott and I need to leave the shit behind. I have long since forgiven him and written it off. I can't forgive what doesn't exist and what doesn't exist can't hurt me. Seems to be ok. Sanity may be moments away.
2000 Mom has left and it is all but peaceful..middle of the night calls looking for a fight, accusations back and forth and behaviour that is affecting my life and my health. It has to stop, but how do you make it end?
April 2001 - I am flying out on the 17th, my Granny's 90th birthday, to Ottawa for 2 weeks and I would like to see her on her day and it was all arranged so that he did not have to be there when Mom was there.Somehow, he has convinced Granny that it would be a bad idea for me to come with mom. I call him on it and tell him that he needs to fix what he has undone since he already had agreed to the arrangement. He tells me to talk to Granny. I tell him quite strongly that no, I do not need to do that, he needs to fix it as he was the one that broke it. This call turns into an email dissertation about his expections of the relationship between him and I. He does not confront things head on and discuss... he emails. Much easier to tell someone the rules and your thoughts when you get to be in control of the conversation and you don't have to hear the rebuttal or even engage in the conversation. The rules were never explained. Just that they needed to exist. There should never be rules, regulations, boundaries, to a parent-childrelationship. It should never be about that.The lightbulb came on for me... this was his way of undoing what he had done 26 yrs previously when he had adopted me when mom and he had gotten married. So I gave him the way out. I showed him the door and asked that he not enter to save my sanity. We saw each other briefly and for someone so anxious to see Rachel, he spent more time yakkin on the phone than he did visiting with us. I chose then to end all contact. We have not spoken since. Peace and serenity have entered my life for the first time. I am comfortable in my life, in where I am going and even if something were to happen to him tomorrow, I have said what I need to say and have absolutely no regrets.Parental love/child love/family love is inate. You are taught that you love your family unconditionally. You don't always have to like them,but you love them regardless. So perhaps out of all of this, I can say that I still do love him as he is my father, however, I do not like the person he is, nor do I like how he choses to live his life by continuing to abuse his mother and my sister who, seem to be powerless to stop it because they feel they have to stay. They have chosen to stay and stick it out and that is their choice. Support at a distance and love at adistance but I cannot allow it in my life for me and my daughter. She will never see or have to deal with that from him as long as I can help it.
Oct 4, 2003 - My mom is over the moon. A man that is completely in love with her unconditionally. She is his queen and he is her king and they are happily married and there are now 6 of us that are step-siblings and we've gained a huge family. Sometimes the thought of all of it sometimes feels overwhelming.. I have 3 step-sisters ... I have now 2 neices and 2 nephews ... another grandmother.
June 12, 2004 - After quite some thought, only to myself, I posed a question to Greg. I asked him if he would be willing to make the already pre existing relationship of step-dad and step-daughter to a legal adoption, nullifying the previous as far as paper was concerned. It did NOTHING to change the already existing amazing relationship that we have. Despite what is thought, the relationship existed even prior to mom and Greg getting married. The legalization was just merely a formality that I _needed_ for my final break from the step father that cannot love and the emotional tie to someone that I want and need in my life as a father figure. One would be flattered to know that their father was cool enough that someone else wanted him too.
That was two weeks ago. I have realized now that I have sadly and mistakenly misjudged everything. I don't have 3 step-sisters, I don'thave another niece and nephew and brother-in-laws, and most of all I don't have this huge family. The dissent and anger over my request was phenomenal. Do they not realize that he already legally was mystepfather and I, their stepsister? Do they really treat the rest of their families this way and raise their children this way? Do they really have to compete to be first and jealous and angry when they're not? This is not a competition. This is a declaration in the form of a piece of paper of what already exists emotionally and the end result for me is a nulification of a relationship that I cannot have nor want.The paper serves no other purpose.
Today.. June 28, 2004 - what a journey back in time this letter has been for me. It has taken me several hours to compose and several more previously to decide if I should write this down. Most of it isn't painful anymore, but the anger over the last two entries in this are almost driving me back to the tears I have shed over the past couple of days. I guess it was a competition and they won. Today is my dear friend's birthday and I made a desperate wish on his candles that I could stop needing the acceptance and to be a better person than they are. To not be petty or angry and to be content with the fact that I can disclude them at anytime and it would be perfectly understandable by anyone...either that or kill them with kindness.

Aside from actually feeling physically better now, 12 hours later, mentally, the dumpster is probably where I am. When it is quiet at work, you have time to ponder... So I processed a little of what Devin said to me on Thursday...
"You're beautiful, you're a perfect girlfriend...giving me space, being together on the weekends and having 'our' space during the week, letting the flower bloom like you said before....It's not you, it's me"
If I'm so bloody perfect, then what the hell is the problem??!? And how more cliche can you be? I'm the first to say I'm not a super model and I'm the first to admit that I need work, but I was less confused when he asked me to be his girlfriend after a week of telling me he didn't want to see me, than I am now....
He said it was "our" decision, not just his, what we were going to do... well obviously it was his decision because I didn't want to end it.. maybe he'll come to his senses.. I'll just leave the flower alone for now..

On Sat night, I had a little bit of a chance to talk to Colin. Colin is like my comfort food. My bestest male friend. Sometimes I wish I knew how to explain to him what his friendship means to me, and othertimes I know he knows and it doesn't require me saying anything. Unspoken. Not sure I would ever be able to express it other than I love him to death and won't accept someone that can't accept him in my life too. Whenever I've met someone that I think is going to work out, its imperitive that they understand the relationship I have with Colin, and that he's apart of it. Dev and Colin met and they both seemed to like each other, and it was important to me that they did. Its funny... guys seem to understand the friendship thing between a guy and a girl, but girls seem to get very bent out of shape. Colin has had a couple of girlfriends who seem to be extrodinarily jealous or intimidated (or something) of our friendship, when it is nothing more than what we present. WYSIWYG

Its similar with my ex husband, Scott too. We don't fight (except when he is asking for directions and he doesn't listen), we don't dispute what needs to be done as far as our daughter is concerned, and we just do what needs to be done to survive.

Right, now that I have driveled on about the men in my life *laugh*, I am going to sign off and play some cards and then have an intimate date with my pillows...

The week from hell is over...The wedding has gone off with only minor glitches (I still have no idea where the coffee filters are), the bride was beautiful, her parents arrived safe and Devin and I broke up on Thurs night. Great timing Dev, thanks.

Not sure I know why that happened, I haven't had time to process that yet, however, 6 days of work ahead of me, and can't dwell on that. Next weekend I will find some time to crash and burn.

My entire body feels like a truck has done tactical maneouvers all over it, and I think my brain was shaken and stirred. Ya ya I know, life's hard, get a helmet.

I don't have much to say today, more or less because I'm exhausted.
Off to work for me...

Today started out just like any other normal work day.. sleep til I absolutely can, then get up and get ready, go to work...
Then I remember about another thing to add to my agenda for this week.. The BBQ at the Hangar with the Snowbirds at 1130 on Thursday. I even paid for the tickets last week and have been carting them around and reminded Devin (you haven't heard about him yet, that will come soon) that we had tickets....

Prior to coming to work, my ex husband calls me from Victoria needing directions to a hotel that I stayed in last month. So I ask him where he is, and he tells me he is going south on Douglas... and to cut this short, if the man would learn to listen when he asks a question, he would have been at the hotel 20 mins sooner than he was because he would NOT get onto Blanchard. Nor would he tell me what the map said for the streets in order from Mayfair mall... And calling me and asking me for directions when I am a 1000kms away and getting pissy with me when you have to turn around twice because you aren't listening is not the way to win friends... grrrrr

I want off this ride, however, I'm certain that if I stick out my foot to get off, that I will snap my ankle.

That said, I have managed to get Wednesday off work, someone picked up my shift so I can stop stressing about that. I'm not certain I can take much more than this.....

I have the 1st-6th of Sept off, and I think I might just get on a plane and go find a place to hole up and scream loudly. I'm quite possibly insane...

So Devin... he's my new boyfriend... we've been together for just over a month now. It seems to be going well. He's sweet and a gentleman and treats me well. Definately a keeper....so far *laugh* (Sorry Dev ;-))

Its now 4am, I finished work at 1am and found the reason that I don't work til 0100 anymore is because the people that call from NFLD at midnight our time are certifiably insane.

So once again I sign off before I get keyboard impressions in my head...

Since this is my first blog, and my first blog post, I guess that I should dedicate it to T, since she started me on this...

It's Monday, the long weekend... I have to work in 13 hours, I haven't slept much this weekend, and I'm wired for sound...
My to-do list for this week...
Monday - work 1630-0100
Tuesday - day off, however, wedding plans for Lori's wedding on Sat the 7th, and I'm marrying them OH MY GAWD, and that will go til 1630, then 1700 to be at the Comedy Cave for auditions for the Broadway show tune thingie wossname with Tim, then a haircut and colour and eyebrow wax at 2100
Wed - work from 1330-1800, appt at 1900
Thurs - work 1330-2200, 2230 - Wedding stuph
Fri - day off, decorate hall, wedding rehersal, dinner, more wedding stuph
Sat - wedding
Sun - work 1430-2300
ad infitum on the work...
If someone would be so kind as to find me an extra 24 hours in this week, I'd be grateful.........
gnight before I put qwertyuiop across my forehead