Blatherings of a pregnant brain
The first thing I need to do is say thank you to one very special friend... she has listened to my rantings and ravings and carryings on for the past few weeks and offered unconditional support and hugs when they're needed even tho she is thousands of miles away.... thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I don't know if I can ever repay or show how much it has meant to me that you haven't told me to shut up or "listen lady, get your head on straight" or bluntly to fuck off... *smooches*
I am having a hard time of things... trying to wrap my brain around alot of crap when I haven't got an answer and probably will never get one... sadly, part of my brain wants to solve the puzzle so I can get on with things... I have 102 days left of this pregnancy, and I'd love 102 stress free days.
To do a post mortem of this whole thing, I guess that what I am trying to understand a few things....
At what point would he assume it was ok to take me for granted and think that I would be ok with all of this crap and still be understanding and accepting? I would like to think I am an understanding person and I suppose to a certain degree I should be accepting that he wishes to move on with his life - BUT and thats a big but (much like mine) the committment was made in July when we discussed my being prengant. The conversation was exactly like this (women remember this shit) : "We are having the same conversation I had with Scott 13 yrs ago. Either you're in or you're out. If you're in, you're in for keeps and there is no bailing on me in 6 months and if you're out, you're out now because I can't deal with you running away in 6 months." "How dare you think I'd bail?" "I don't think you will, but I needed to say that, please understand that." "I know and I do."
So that tells me that it is very clear how I feel and that running away from this isn't exactly going to go over well.
His sister said to me a few weeks ago... "He is just trying to have a life, he's just going about it the wrong way."
WHAT THE FUCK DID WE HAVE??? We had a life. We had a family.
He has admitted that he has done this all wrong. I told him there was no half way and I have said that I have expectations. But he doesn't seem to be willing to even willing to discuss any of it.
I talked with my counsellor last week about having told him there was no half way, it was all or nothing and his reply that I was giving an ultimatum. She asked if I was willing to work on compromises. I said I would have to think about it, and after some thought, the compromises that I would be willing to give would be that it would be fine if he was at the doctor's appointments and ultrasounds (at least for the moment) provided that he was willing to open the doors of communication again and be willing to at least spend more than waiting room time with me in order to begin that communication. I left a message stating I'd be willing to make some compromises, but he has not called back so I did what my counsellor suggested and called him again and if he did not hang up, to try and get a time line of when he would be willing to talk. He has stated he would maybe call on Wednesday night (this week). So in order for there to be any trust in this and for me to be willing to make ANY compromises he has to follow through with that call. Should he not call, I take that chance of compromise away. I suspect the only reason he chose Wed was because it was my first appointment with the doctor that will be delivering the baby.
I harbour some guilt for taking all of these things away from him and I understand he's hurt - but I think he needs to acknowledge what he has taken away from me and my hurt as well. My counsellor has said she would be willing to have us both there for my appointments, but he may not be willing.
I also know that I should not be feeling guilty, but thats the heart ruling the head. (and my head apparently is stuck up my ass or something).
He has made his bed and his choices, he has to live with them. Unfortunately, he made bad choices.
Based on some information from a little birdie, it would also appear that the Jerry Springer Trailer Trash has been left at the curb. We all agreed that it wouldn't last. However, the same little birdie also told me that had I just left him alone while he had his little fling with the Trailer Trash, he'd more than likely have thrown her to the curb sooner than this and alls well that ends well...
I replied that I honestly feel that if I had left it be, that once again he'd have been taking me for granted and at least this way he got it loud and clear that I wasn't going to stand for it. He is the one person that had the chance to fix and repair this almost 2 months ago. I also asked the same birdie if they really felt that I would honestly take him back after all of this, even if I had left it alone? They said HE thought I would.
I hadn't blogged about meeting Trailer Trash... That was about 3 weeks ago I guess.... He and I had agreed to spend the Sunday together - we were going to watch a movie, watch the football game and have dinner - all of this was agreed upon on Saturday night. At 1145am, as I was driving towards his house on the Sunday morning - he calls to warn me that she is there. Which is fine, the night before we had had a discussion that I did not believe she knew about everything in his and my relationship cause what woman in her right mind would step into this, considering we were still sleeping together and had been even 5 days before he met her...
So when I get there, I look at my spot on the couch and sitting there is this very old looking woman - she's 44 and looks every day of it, wearing a baggy tshirt, a plaid shirt and dirty jeans and a baseball cap and looks very harsh and haggared. I go about doing my thing - putting away my soft drinks I had brought, and some yoghurt and got my crap together and sat down in the rocker. He was leaning forward on the couch so that we could not see each other as he was in the middle. I asked him to sit back so we could have a face to face conversation, he started to, but then sat forward again and said no. I said something like "Well thats ignorant" and went and sat down on the floor opposite her in front of the coffee table.
I said that I felt she owed me an apology for the lies the week before. She got her back up and said she owed me nothing and started being rude so I said "Ok, I'm done, you can go now... not interested... bye now" So she started backing down when he said to me "You wanted to ask her a question, ask the question." So I said "He tells me you know everything about our relationship... what is it that you know because I don't believe you know everything as he says you do."
She says she isnt here to be grilled and gets her back up again and he interjects with something, to which I said "I am not asking you or speaking to you, I am talking to her"
She says "I know that he loves you but isn't in love with you, and that you're having his baby" And I said "And what else?" She said what else is there? And I replied with Oh the fact that we were still sleeping together the week before he met you, the fact that he made committments to me about this child... and she says 'sex is sex, so what?' and I said ok, I'm done... bye now. So she starts calling me names and being rude as she's walking out the door.
He gets angry about it and I said that I told you when I got here that you werent going to enjoy this, what did you think we'd make nicey nice and have one happy family?
Anyways, we end up watching the race and at about 230 he says to me that he is going for dinner at 5 at her house, and I said ummm no you're not, you made a committment to me about today and spending the day with me.. "we are spending the day!" I said a day isn't 3 fucking hours, for fucks sakes, what is the issue with keeping the promise to me? He says that he forgot, I said forgot what? that you made a promise to me? He said no he forgot he promised to go to dinner. I said well cancel then. He didnt say anything... I just let it go for the moment. Then at 430 she called and he goes to his room to talk to her and as he got up he said 'See?'
When he came back, I said "What did she say about you not coming?" He said "I didn't say that, I said I'd see her later." So then I got angry... very angry. I demanded an answer as to why it was so damn difficult to keep his word to me.. what was the issue. He refused to answer, just kept watching tv, so I turned it off. Which pissed him off even more and he grabbed the remotes from the table, and the way they came by my head, I ducked. So he got mad because he thought I thought he was going to hit me. It was split second reaction to something going by my head.
He disappeared and I assumed he had gone to call her to tell her he wasn't coming or something... but when he came back into the living room, I said "What did she say?" , he replied with "Nothing, I didn't call her, I was standing in the kitchen dealing with the image of you ducking." I said to him "Stop being such a fucking coward" So that sent him off to hide in his room.
Then things went horribly out of control and I don't wish to write about them but needless to say it wasn't pretty.
At the end, I sat in the easy chair until nearly 9pm so it was too late for him to go anywhere and sadly he had to go to bed to go to work the next day. Awww. The bitch in me figured if I was going to be miserable, he got to be miserable right along with me.
As I was leaving, he decided to change the lightbulb in the hallway, but because he'd had a few, he was rushing and the chair broke and he fell off the chair and nearly lost his eye on the kennel latchtab *sigh*
I haven't seen him since that night and only talked to him 3 times - once the following Sunday, the following Monday when I told him no halfway and again today to get a timeline from him as to when he would be willing to talk with me.
I wish I could say I was sorry but I'm not. I wish I didn't feel guilty, but I do because this baby is important to him - I just have to realize that he is obviously not ready and that I shouldn't be feeling guilt or regret because he made these choices.
Roit, I started this post ages ago and its now 315 am, so I guess I ought to crawl off.. or waddle as the case is more than crawling.
If you've read this far, you have far too much time on your hands ;-)
I am having a hard time of things... trying to wrap my brain around alot of crap when I haven't got an answer and probably will never get one... sadly, part of my brain wants to solve the puzzle so I can get on with things... I have 102 days left of this pregnancy, and I'd love 102 stress free days.
To do a post mortem of this whole thing, I guess that what I am trying to understand a few things....
At what point would he assume it was ok to take me for granted and think that I would be ok with all of this crap and still be understanding and accepting? I would like to think I am an understanding person and I suppose to a certain degree I should be accepting that he wishes to move on with his life - BUT and thats a big but (much like mine) the committment was made in July when we discussed my being prengant. The conversation was exactly like this (women remember this shit) : "We are having the same conversation I had with Scott 13 yrs ago. Either you're in or you're out. If you're in, you're in for keeps and there is no bailing on me in 6 months and if you're out, you're out now because I can't deal with you running away in 6 months." "How dare you think I'd bail?" "I don't think you will, but I needed to say that, please understand that." "I know and I do."
So that tells me that it is very clear how I feel and that running away from this isn't exactly going to go over well.
His sister said to me a few weeks ago... "He is just trying to have a life, he's just going about it the wrong way."
WHAT THE FUCK DID WE HAVE??? We had a life. We had a family.
He has admitted that he has done this all wrong. I told him there was no half way and I have said that I have expectations. But he doesn't seem to be willing to even willing to discuss any of it.
I talked with my counsellor last week about having told him there was no half way, it was all or nothing and his reply that I was giving an ultimatum. She asked if I was willing to work on compromises. I said I would have to think about it, and after some thought, the compromises that I would be willing to give would be that it would be fine if he was at the doctor's appointments and ultrasounds (at least for the moment) provided that he was willing to open the doors of communication again and be willing to at least spend more than waiting room time with me in order to begin that communication. I left a message stating I'd be willing to make some compromises, but he has not called back so I did what my counsellor suggested and called him again and if he did not hang up, to try and get a time line of when he would be willing to talk. He has stated he would maybe call on Wednesday night (this week). So in order for there to be any trust in this and for me to be willing to make ANY compromises he has to follow through with that call. Should he not call, I take that chance of compromise away. I suspect the only reason he chose Wed was because it was my first appointment with the doctor that will be delivering the baby.
I harbour some guilt for taking all of these things away from him and I understand he's hurt - but I think he needs to acknowledge what he has taken away from me and my hurt as well. My counsellor has said she would be willing to have us both there for my appointments, but he may not be willing.
I also know that I should not be feeling guilty, but thats the heart ruling the head. (and my head apparently is stuck up my ass or something).
He has made his bed and his choices, he has to live with them. Unfortunately, he made bad choices.
Based on some information from a little birdie, it would also appear that the Jerry Springer Trailer Trash has been left at the curb. We all agreed that it wouldn't last. However, the same little birdie also told me that had I just left him alone while he had his little fling with the Trailer Trash, he'd more than likely have thrown her to the curb sooner than this and alls well that ends well...
I replied that I honestly feel that if I had left it be, that once again he'd have been taking me for granted and at least this way he got it loud and clear that I wasn't going to stand for it. He is the one person that had the chance to fix and repair this almost 2 months ago. I also asked the same birdie if they really felt that I would honestly take him back after all of this, even if I had left it alone? They said HE thought I would.
I hadn't blogged about meeting Trailer Trash... That was about 3 weeks ago I guess.... He and I had agreed to spend the Sunday together - we were going to watch a movie, watch the football game and have dinner - all of this was agreed upon on Saturday night. At 1145am, as I was driving towards his house on the Sunday morning - he calls to warn me that she is there. Which is fine, the night before we had had a discussion that I did not believe she knew about everything in his and my relationship cause what woman in her right mind would step into this, considering we were still sleeping together and had been even 5 days before he met her...
So when I get there, I look at my spot on the couch and sitting there is this very old looking woman - she's 44 and looks every day of it, wearing a baggy tshirt, a plaid shirt and dirty jeans and a baseball cap and looks very harsh and haggared. I go about doing my thing - putting away my soft drinks I had brought, and some yoghurt and got my crap together and sat down in the rocker. He was leaning forward on the couch so that we could not see each other as he was in the middle. I asked him to sit back so we could have a face to face conversation, he started to, but then sat forward again and said no. I said something like "Well thats ignorant" and went and sat down on the floor opposite her in front of the coffee table.
I said that I felt she owed me an apology for the lies the week before. She got her back up and said she owed me nothing and started being rude so I said "Ok, I'm done, you can go now... not interested... bye now" So she started backing down when he said to me "You wanted to ask her a question, ask the question." So I said "He tells me you know everything about our relationship... what is it that you know because I don't believe you know everything as he says you do."
She says she isnt here to be grilled and gets her back up again and he interjects with something, to which I said "I am not asking you or speaking to you, I am talking to her"
She says "I know that he loves you but isn't in love with you, and that you're having his baby" And I said "And what else?" She said what else is there? And I replied with Oh the fact that we were still sleeping together the week before he met you, the fact that he made committments to me about this child... and she says 'sex is sex, so what?' and I said ok, I'm done... bye now. So she starts calling me names and being rude as she's walking out the door.
He gets angry about it and I said that I told you when I got here that you werent going to enjoy this, what did you think we'd make nicey nice and have one happy family?
Anyways, we end up watching the race and at about 230 he says to me that he is going for dinner at 5 at her house, and I said ummm no you're not, you made a committment to me about today and spending the day with me.. "we are spending the day!" I said a day isn't 3 fucking hours, for fucks sakes, what is the issue with keeping the promise to me? He says that he forgot, I said forgot what? that you made a promise to me? He said no he forgot he promised to go to dinner. I said well cancel then. He didnt say anything... I just let it go for the moment. Then at 430 she called and he goes to his room to talk to her and as he got up he said 'See?'
When he came back, I said "What did she say about you not coming?" He said "I didn't say that, I said I'd see her later." So then I got angry... very angry. I demanded an answer as to why it was so damn difficult to keep his word to me.. what was the issue. He refused to answer, just kept watching tv, so I turned it off. Which pissed him off even more and he grabbed the remotes from the table, and the way they came by my head, I ducked. So he got mad because he thought I thought he was going to hit me. It was split second reaction to something going by my head.
He disappeared and I assumed he had gone to call her to tell her he wasn't coming or something... but when he came back into the living room, I said "What did she say?" , he replied with "Nothing, I didn't call her, I was standing in the kitchen dealing with the image of you ducking." I said to him "Stop being such a fucking coward" So that sent him off to hide in his room.
Then things went horribly out of control and I don't wish to write about them but needless to say it wasn't pretty.
At the end, I sat in the easy chair until nearly 9pm so it was too late for him to go anywhere and sadly he had to go to bed to go to work the next day. Awww. The bitch in me figured if I was going to be miserable, he got to be miserable right along with me.
As I was leaving, he decided to change the lightbulb in the hallway, but because he'd had a few, he was rushing and the chair broke and he fell off the chair and nearly lost his eye on the kennel latchtab *sigh*
I haven't seen him since that night and only talked to him 3 times - once the following Sunday, the following Monday when I told him no halfway and again today to get a timeline from him as to when he would be willing to talk with me.
I wish I could say I was sorry but I'm not. I wish I didn't feel guilty, but I do because this baby is important to him - I just have to realize that he is obviously not ready and that I shouldn't be feeling guilt or regret because he made these choices.
Roit, I started this post ages ago and its now 315 am, so I guess I ought to crawl off.. or waddle as the case is more than crawling.
If you've read this far, you have far too much time on your hands ;-)
posted by Kristin at 12/05/2005 02:23:00 AM
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