I forgot to post this...

I forgot to add this in ages ago... so here ya go...


At the risk of losing what I have struggled to keep, I have to tell you something. I have this person in my life who makes me feel truly and utterly complete. And I need to tell you about him.

I have gone on plenty of first dates... more than plenty. Never once have I felt this comfortable from the first instant. We had talked plenty before going out, and 2 hours was not an uncommon conversation. Having dinner with this man, I feed him with my chopsticks...on a first date?! And he accepts it without so much as a raised eyebrow. We walk, we talk more and more.. and then he kisses me and I get lost....completely. I do something completely out of character and spend the night with him. After a week of waffling, he asks me to be his girlfriend and I am ecstatic.

That weekend, we went to the Stampede and saw Default on the Coke Stage. The words of the song Wasting my Time circle in my head nearly daily. After about a month, he calls it done because he says that he isn't in love with me or what he thinks should be the start of feeling that. Angry, hurt, upset, fustrated, I want to fight for it. For the first time in my life, it was something I wanted and something I wanted to fight for. I didn't even want to fight for my marriage. Despite how much that he drinks scares me, I want to fight.

We have our moments, we have a 'fight' of sorts, we fix, we sort out and we have managed to salvage something.
He went away in Sept to the island and came back with some photos from when he was there in March and I ask to have one. That picture goes with me everywhere. Its my tie, my sanity. Our 2 hr phone conversations happen again and our time together is what it used to be. Quality time just 'being'. I feel empty when the call ends or I drive home.

Somewhere in the midst of the late summer I lost him somewhere and am so grateful as that man is back. Damn rights I am scared of losing. Worst of all, I'm terrified that when I least expect it, I am going to say that I am in love with him and he will push me away again.

I've never once said those three words to him as much as I've ached to say it and hear it back. He says he knows that I do love him. I told him it was a gift, a gift that shouldn't be felt to be a burden or a weight or a weapon.

It would be enough... more than enough, if he accepted it and maybe even enjoyed it a little. Natually I would like it if he loved me back, but for now......
I trust him with everything... 6 months ago, I wouldn't have. Not anyone. What on earth has he done to me?

I am this confident person.. knows what she wants, knows how to get it, and knows where she is going... and now the uncertainty is back in my life and I feel alive. I haven't felt these things in a long time.. and for that, I am grateful. It is his gift to me and I will take it with me whereever I go.

I know that he has feelings for me......I wrote this to get a clearer perspective. But I'm scared... what will he say or do if he ever reads this? What might happen? But I guess that is why I wrote this... can't back out now.